When In Israel...

It's Hanukkah in Tel Aviv. It's also Christmas, but I mean, c'mon. We're in the "Jewish State". Who cares about that, right?

Anyway. Tel Aviv is a coastal city in Israel. It's unique because it blends beaches, clubs, fashion, shopping, and liberalism with well, Jews. Tell someone who's been to Israel that you're going to Tel Aviv and they'll say, "Oh, you just HAVE to check out this club!" or "You simply MUST stop by this jewelry store!" or "Stop telling me your travel plans."

That goes for all of Israel. There are always those place you just HAVE to see or that you CAN'T miss. Well, I don't buy it. So here is my official list of Things to Do in Israel.

1. Buy a McDonald's Hamburger (and/or go to "Burger Ranch")
Good. Kosher. Two words never spoken inside of an American McDonald's. But in Israel, you might actually find that their McDonald's is both. Look, it's not frickin' Filet Mignon, but their meat is interestingly better than that of our Mickey D's. Also, their own version of McD's/Burger King is Burger Ranch, which features a bull(?) doing its thing.

2. Celebrate Christmas in Bethlehem
Christmas in Israel is like a rich spoiled kid who is sent to a crappy boarding school. He's kind of put aside and isn't used to the lack of attention. But if you look in the right places, he has some major potential. The same goes for Christmas in Bethlehem. Or so I've heard, I've never actually been.

3. Go to the abandoned Syrian bunker in the Golan Heights and play "War"
The bunker used to be a Syrian position in the Six-Day War of 1967. It's really cool, inside of a mountain, and surrounded by trenches, which are great for games of "War", "Spy", and of course, "Nerf Gun War". There's also a quaint cafe. AND you can see Lebanon and Syria. AND, if you're lucky, you'll get to talk to some people from the U.N. who are in charge of overseeing peace in the area.

4. Drive in Jerusalem
A holy city for Jews, Christians, and Muslims. It's also a city originally made for horse and buggies which is why the traffic is so God-awful (no pun intended). Plus Israeli drivers are kinda crazy.

5. Eat your body weight in pita and hummus

Self-explanatory.

Facial Hair

Stop it. Just cut the crap. I know you like it. That beard. Dumbledore's white beard. That Stats teacher's goatee/mustache thing. You like facial hair. Curly mustaches make you happy. You'd kill to be able to see some solid mutton chops. But you're afraid to admit it.

It's okay. There is certainly a trend in society that says that facial hair shows that a person is unkempt or unclean. And I suppose that argument can work in some situations. Take our friend Jim from the Office here:



Clean-shaven Jim has a smoother, more sleek look to him. But look at beared, rugged Jim. He has the wisdom of centuries on his face. He could kill a tiger with his bare hands.

See, beards have existed since before we were born. In ancient times, shaving was much, much harder. I'm taking blood everywhere. On top of that, your beard was a mark of your age and maturity in society. Men would be ostracized and exiled for not having a beard (which is totally true and is what should happen to Zach Galifanakis in this picture).



Now, it is harder for people with beards to get jobs, unless they are hair dressers or generally otherwise charming. The truth is that beards lie. They don't show the amount of effort put into their creation. Their sculpted edges and mustache/chin beard synergy are routinely ignored. Thus, people shouldn't be shunning bearded men. They should be hiring them by the thousands!

As winter approaches and money remains tight, both men and women need to think of ways to keep themselves warm. Luckily, Mother Nature has your back. Men, grow that beard out proudly. Women, keep your face close to your man's face. Problem solved. Say goodbye to wasting money and electricity. How you like dem apples, CLIMATE CHANGE?!