When In Israel...

It's Hanukkah in Tel Aviv. It's also Christmas, but I mean, c'mon. We're in the "Jewish State". Who cares about that, right?

Anyway. Tel Aviv is a coastal city in Israel. It's unique because it blends beaches, clubs, fashion, shopping, and liberalism with well, Jews. Tell someone who's been to Israel that you're going to Tel Aviv and they'll say, "Oh, you just HAVE to check out this club!" or "You simply MUST stop by this jewelry store!" or "Stop telling me your travel plans."

That goes for all of Israel. There are always those place you just HAVE to see or that you CAN'T miss. Well, I don't buy it. So here is my official list of Things to Do in Israel.

1. Buy a McDonald's Hamburger (and/or go to "Burger Ranch")
Good. Kosher. Two words never spoken inside of an American McDonald's. But in Israel, you might actually find that their McDonald's is both. Look, it's not frickin' Filet Mignon, but their meat is interestingly better than that of our Mickey D's. Also, their own version of McD's/Burger King is Burger Ranch, which features a bull(?) doing its thing.

2. Celebrate Christmas in Bethlehem
Christmas in Israel is like a rich spoiled kid who is sent to a crappy boarding school. He's kind of put aside and isn't used to the lack of attention. But if you look in the right places, he has some major potential. The same goes for Christmas in Bethlehem. Or so I've heard, I've never actually been.

3. Go to the abandoned Syrian bunker in the Golan Heights and play "War"
The bunker used to be a Syrian position in the Six-Day War of 1967. It's really cool, inside of a mountain, and surrounded by trenches, which are great for games of "War", "Spy", and of course, "Nerf Gun War". There's also a quaint cafe. AND you can see Lebanon and Syria. AND, if you're lucky, you'll get to talk to some people from the U.N. who are in charge of overseeing peace in the area.

4. Drive in Jerusalem
A holy city for Jews, Christians, and Muslims. It's also a city originally made for horse and buggies which is why the traffic is so God-awful (no pun intended). Plus Israeli drivers are kinda crazy.

5. Eat your body weight in pita and hummus

Self-explanatory.

Facial Hair

Stop it. Just cut the crap. I know you like it. That beard. Dumbledore's white beard. That Stats teacher's goatee/mustache thing. You like facial hair. Curly mustaches make you happy. You'd kill to be able to see some solid mutton chops. But you're afraid to admit it.

It's okay. There is certainly a trend in society that says that facial hair shows that a person is unkempt or unclean. And I suppose that argument can work in some situations. Take our friend Jim from the Office here:



Clean-shaven Jim has a smoother, more sleek look to him. But look at beared, rugged Jim. He has the wisdom of centuries on his face. He could kill a tiger with his bare hands.

See, beards have existed since before we were born. In ancient times, shaving was much, much harder. I'm taking blood everywhere. On top of that, your beard was a mark of your age and maturity in society. Men would be ostracized and exiled for not having a beard (which is totally true and is what should happen to Zach Galifanakis in this picture).



Now, it is harder for people with beards to get jobs, unless they are hair dressers or generally otherwise charming. The truth is that beards lie. They don't show the amount of effort put into their creation. Their sculpted edges and mustache/chin beard synergy are routinely ignored. Thus, people shouldn't be shunning bearded men. They should be hiring them by the thousands!

As winter approaches and money remains tight, both men and women need to think of ways to keep themselves warm. Luckily, Mother Nature has your back. Men, grow that beard out proudly. Women, keep your face close to your man's face. Problem solved. Say goodbye to wasting money and electricity. How you like dem apples, CLIMATE CHANGE?!

I Can't Feel My Feet

I've come into contact with a reoccurring theme of my life: uncomfortable shoes. For those who don't know, I have giant feet. And not in a good way, if there is a good way. I'm talking size 13. 13 wide. Do you know who makes easily available 13 wides? New Balance and sometimes Nike. That's it. Sure, New Balance is the most comfortable thing in the world, kinda like bathing your feet in warm water in heaven while an angel feeds you grapes. But they don't like so good and they get dirty quite easily.

So I did something a couple weekends ago I've been doing since I was 12 years old; buying a poorly-fitting pair of shoes. Here she is:

They're from "Eastland" and they look really cool. They work quite nicely all types of clothes. They're also one of the most painful pieces of various materials I've ever put on my large but delicate feet. Oh my mother-loving goose-stepping finger-licking God. They hurt a lot. But wait, they look really nice. And I've needed a pair of sharp looking casual shoes for, well, ever. Any shoes like these are going to hurt. Does that mean I shouldn't wear them? That's not a rhetorical question. I'm seriously asking. I'd like to stop wearing just Nikes, New Balance, and the occasional Converse that can stretch, but my poor little five-toed buddies just can't take it. It boils down to comfort vs fashion, a crucial battle in humanity, besides the Crusades, the World Wars, Israel-Palestine, Iron Chef, etc. Comment, share, or just think about it.

The Next Bill Shakespeare

Don't ever leave Cameron Alberg by himself on the interwebs. Here is the result: (it's actually quite an intriguing story)

heeellloooooo
and top o the mornin to ya
I SAID
BLERG
wait, thats not what i said
and a good day to you, ma'am
and then he was all alone
the last man standing
all the others were sitting
so he walked
alone
in the dusty corridors
until he came upon a small goat
which he named yarvin
and so on and so forth. he and yarvin went on to do grand things
climbed the mountain of yore
ate the tibetan tribal snacks
descended into the depths of ulrag's basement
 it was all great and awe inspiring
until that fateful day
yarvin, sweating from his daily calorie burning marathon run, walked into the saloon, cold and alone
he who was not there didnt know what to say
because alas, he was not that
or there
so yarvin picked up his sad misshaped hooves and placed them on the counter
"baaaah" said he
the bartender looked up in confusion
suddenly, ulrag burst in through the swinging doors
he stood there, glistening in the pale moonlight
he was a heavy man, with legs that went all the way up to his knees
arms that connect deftly to his shoulders
eyes, placed right in the middle of his face
a smile that had teeth in it
he was not a happy man
he was an ecstatic one
 he grabbed yarvin in an old fashioned goat hug
and they wrestled for fifty days and thirty nine nights
some may say, what happened to old yarvin
nothing, he was perfectly fine, as ulrag had bestowed upon him a great gift. the gift of scoobalicious
and so on they trod, in search of the fabled folk lore of the lore
the lore folk, as the locals called it
the folk folk, as the pigeons called it
and the bad sandwich, as johnny called it
and on they trod
searching for a morsel of cheese hair
but alas, there was nothing but a sad sack of bushels to their wayside
and it was there, on the 62nd day, that yarvin did save his grandpa


Yikes.

Da 'Burbs

Today was an interesting day for me. After a late night, I had to wake up early (on a Sunday, mind you!) for a variety of activities. I was doing some volunteering over here, and I'm going to be doing some meetings over there. Not that I'm complaining. My day gave me a chance to explore a place that I go to half as much as I'd like to and not nearly as much as I should go to. The suburbs. The north suburbs. Today, Lincolnwood and Deerfield.

We'll start with Lincolnwood. I like it a lot here. I think of Lincolnwood as a crossroads of sorts. It's the gateway from the bustling city of Chicago to its more relaxed northern suburbs. There's some large malls, filled with gems like the Jewey restaurant, "What's Cooking?" and a bunch of shady motels. "River Park Motel" and such. My grandma lived in Lincolnwood for forty plus years, and her block was the source of my entertainment on the weekends, including but not limited to playing "Spy", Hide n Seek, and just straight up run in circles.

Unfortunately, Lincolnwood is getting older. This fancy graph that I totally made myself and didn't Google gives the population by age of the town and compares it to the state of Illinois and the United States:



Take a look at how Lincolnwood has more than double the percentage of people 75 and over than the United States, while only about half the percentage of 25 to 34 year olds, a key demographic in any region, city, town, village, or large tent encampment.

Lincolnwood definitely isn't a Jewish town, but there are a significant amount of Jews in it. Speaking from that perspective, a lot of families (like my grandma's) settled in Lincolnwood and other north suburbs in the '60's. Their kids (like my mom) went to suburban schools. However, a decent amount of those kids (like my mom!) either moved into Chicago or to a different city altogether.

Not to say that this a definite, universal trend. Plenty of people, Jews and non-Jews, are chilling in the suburbs. But the data from Lincolnwood illustrates this trend.

On the other hand, Deerfield seems to be doing just lovely. Here's another pretty graph:


There are definitely more 45 to 54 year olds in Deerfield than the national average, but then again, there are also more people aged 0 to 17. So it's possible that the 45 to 54 year olds are parents. Now I've been to Deerfield like 4 times in my life, but from what I understand, she's doing pretty well for herself. I"m heading up there in a few minutes, so I'll be making some important, pseudo-scientific observations. My reports will be available to the public, so keep your eyes opened.


Graphs source: clrsearch.com

Notable

This is a song that makes me happy: 

This song makes me sad: 

This song makes me calm: 

This song makes me angry:

This song makes me laugh: 

This song is one of my favorites: 

JUF : Teens : Meet the Teen Leaders : Noah Feingold

JUF : Teens : Meet the Teen Leaders : Noah Feingold

Me and Mrs. Jones

I have no idea why I titled this post as such.

Who's the only person that you're going to be with for the rest of your life? Not your mom, dad, brother, sister, or closest friend. You. You're the only person you're guaranteed to know from birth to death. So start getting to know yourself. And getting used to yourself. I see people I know unable to come to terms with themselves. And when they can't come to terms with themselves, they don't like themselves. And then they take that out on other people. Including you. And me. And that's just unpleasant.

I don't like speaking so vaguely, so I'll talk about something concrete. Today is Halloween. I saw a woman by herself dressed as a washing machine, casually sipping on a carton of chocolate milk. This was at around 8 pm. What was she doing? What event could she go to as a washing machine? At 8? On a Monday night? Like, what's even the purpose of Halloween if you're at the point where you are a laundry room appliance drinking a sugary beverage? I don't understand.

It is Getting Colder. Outside.

It is getting colder outside.
The leaves fall off of the trees.
The kids play on the slide (what?)
The men hunt the bees.

It is getting colder outside.
Ladies put on fur coats.
To school I will need a ride.
I'm not in the mood to take notes.

The air is cold.
The breeze full of ice.
Dear lord I'm going to fold.
Something related to mice.




Next time I apply to college I'm going to do my essays a little earlier. It is indeed getting cold outside. But I'm cool with that. I like fall. I think I'm the only person in my group of friends who likes fall more than summer. You never remember anything in summer, it's just the beach and laziness. But fall makes you realize that winter is coming, and you savor every warm day.

First World Protests

The Occupy Wall Street movement is being a bit under-reported in the mainstream media, but it's happening for sure. (occupywallst.org). I was watching a Youtube video of one of the protests, and I saw a man claim that this was the next Arab Spring. And THAT made me think about how Occupy Wall St is nothing at all like the Arab Spring.

When we protest on Wall St and a police officer unjustifiably sprays peacefully-demonstrating women with pepper spray, it shocks the country. But when several people a day are murdered by their own government in Syria, we do nothing.

Another thing is that OCWS needs to have clearly stated goals. I've heard it referred to as everything from the Left Wing Tea Party to the place for the whole 99% (of people who don't own most of the country's wealth) to come and protest, regardless of political affiliation. What, specifically, are they trying to accomplish. So much more could be done if specific goals related to legislation and the ousting of certain political leaders was stated.

I don't know why I'm bashing on this so hard. It seems to me that finally some sort of nationwide social protest is beginning to emerge (see occupytogether.org) like it already has in countries throughout the Middle East and even Europe and Latin America. I think I want this to succeed so badly that I'm pointing out the flaws out sheer nervousness. Americans have been apathetic about politics and social justice for waaayyy too long. Hopefully this doesn't become some mindless movement that just holds up signs saying "Make things better!!!"

Here's a clip from George Carlin, talking about why he doesn't vote.

I love George Carlin, but did he ever try to change anything?